(Washington, DC) After several frustrating months of examinations, scans and ultrasounds, White House physicians have finally learned the source of Trump Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s chronic, unyielding back pain.
Speaking to The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza Wednesday night, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci informed him that he, unlike Mr. Bannon, is “not trying to suck my own cock.” The revelation stunned doctors at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who, despite having compiled an exhaustive history of their patient, had been totally unaware of this specific leisure activity.
In response, the White House medical team is now reportedly recommending to all male staffers a strict regimen of good old-fashioned masturbation followed by a hot bath and then maybe some light stretching.
“Always carry a lighter in your pocket, even if you don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, but plenty of models in Manhattan do, believe me, and giving those broads a light is a very good first step to getting in their pants.”
“Helping others is part of your thing, and I get that, but don’t ever forget who’s number one. I mean, if you’re out in the Hamptons on a boat and something goes wrong, like a tidal wave maybe and everyone’s in the water and there’s only one life vest, TAKE the goddamn life vest.”
“Learn how to play golf. It’s fun! You get to ride around in a cart, there’s always cute little pieces-of-ass bringing you drinks and hot dogs and ice cream – and the bottom line? Nobody ever closed a multi-million dollar deal out on some archery range.”
“So, they told me your motto’s ‘Be Prepared’, right? Well, being prepared can be useful in some situations, like that thing I said about carrying a lighter, but it’s not always. Let me give you an example – I remember in school there were lotsa guys who read and studied and did all kinds of homework. Why? They were tryin’ to be prepared. And guess what? While they were at the library all night, I was the one banging their girlfriends. So, it really can work both ways.”