(WARSAW, POLAND) In an astonishing breach of protocol, U.S. President Donald J. Trump began his speech today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square with a series of jokes characterizing the North Korean population as slow-witted, ignorant and incapable of completing basic tasks without aid from several other people.
“Hello, good people of Poland. I am truly honored to be here in your very beautiful capital of Warsaw. Really, truly, very honored. Believe me. (APPLAUSE)
I have a few jokes for you lovely people that I think you’re really gonna get a big kick out of. These used to be about you Polacks, but times have changed, am I right? (SILENCE)
Let’s see…..oh, yeah, this is a good one. Did you hear about the North Korean who won a gold medal at the Olympics? He came home and got it bronzed. (SILENCE)
Ok, well, ummm, how do you know if you’re in front of a North Korean firing squad? They’re standing in a circle. (SILENCE) A circle! (SILENCE) Is this microphone on?
Soooo…does anyone here know how many North Koreans it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Anyone? Anyone at all? (SILENCE) Three. No, that’s not right! The answer is none because they use candles now since that asshole’s devoted all their resources to his goddamned missile program! (SILENCE)
After the third attempt at humor was met with confusion from a clearly restless audience, President Trump launched into an unscripted 14 minute-rant about CNN, “fake news”, Hillary Clinton’s weight, Barack Obama’s golf handicap and a brief discussion of the contributions of Polish people to world culture which focused entirely on foot-long kielbasa sausages.