White House Physicians Relieved To Learn Source Of Steve Bannon’s Chronic Back Pain

(Washington, DC)  After several frustrating months of examinations, scans and ultrasounds, White House physicians have finally learned the source of Trump Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s chronic, unyielding back pain.

Speaking to The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza Wednesday night, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci informed him that he, unlike Mr. Bannon, is “not trying to suck my own cock.” The revelation stunned doctors at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who, despite having compiled an exhaustive history of their patient, had been totally unaware of this specific leisure activity.

In response, the White House medical team is now reportedly recommending to all male staffers a strict regimen of good old-fashioned masturbation followed by a hot bath and then maybe some light stretching.

The 4 Pieces Of Advice Donald Trump Planned To Give Boy Scouts That Melania Talked Him Out Of

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“Always carry a lighter in your pocket, even if you don’t smoke. I don’t smoke, but plenty of models in Manhattan do, believe me, and giving those broads a light is a very good first step to getting in their pants.”

“Helping others is part of your thing, and I get that, but don’t ever forget who’s number one. I mean, if you’re out in the Hamptons on a boat and something goes wrong, like a tidal wave maybe and everyone’s in the water and there’s only one life vest, TAKE the goddamn life vest.”

“Learn how to play golf. It’s fun! You get to ride around in a cart, there’s always cute little pieces-of-ass bringing you drinks and hot dogs and ice cream – and the bottom line? Nobody ever closed a multi-million dollar deal out on some archery range.”

“So, they told me your motto’s ‘Be Prepared’, right? Well, being prepared can be useful in some situations, like that thing I said about carrying a lighter, but it’s not always. Let me give you an example – I remember in school there were lotsa guys who read and studied and did all kinds of homework. Why? They were tryin’ to be prepared. And guess what? While they were at the library all night, I was the one banging their girlfriends. So, it really can work both ways.”

Donald Trump Begins Warsaw Address By Telling Series Of North Korean Jokes (Partial Transcript)

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(WARSAW, POLAND)  In an astonishing breach of protocol, U.S. President Donald J. Trump began his speech today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square with a series of jokes characterizing the North Korean population as slow-witted, ignorant and incapable of completing basic tasks without aid from several other people.

“Hello, good people of Poland. I am truly honored to be here in your very beautiful capital of Warsaw. Really, truly, very honored. Believe me. (APPLAUSE)

I have a few jokes for you lovely people that I think you’re really gonna get a big kick out of. These used to be about you Polacks, but times have changed, am I right? (SILENCE)

Let’s see…..oh, yeah, this is a good one. Did you hear about the North Korean who won a gold medal at the Olympics? He came home and got it bronzed. (SILENCE)

Ok, well, ummm, how do you know if you’re in front of a North Korean firing squad? They’re standing in a circle. (SILENCE) A circle! (SILENCE) Is this microphone on?

Soooo…does anyone here know how many North Koreans it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Anyone? Anyone at all? (SILENCE) Three. No, that’s not right! The answer is none because they use candles now since that asshole’s devoted all their resources to his goddamned missile program! (SILENCE)

After the third attempt at humor was met with confusion from a clearly restless audience, President Trump launched into an unscripted 14 minute-rant about CNN, “fake news”, Hillary Clinton’s weight, Barack Obama’s golf handicap and a brief discussion of the contributions of Polish people to world culture which focused entirely on foot-long kielbasa sausages.