Newly Formed ALT-CHRISTIAN Movement Updates The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12) For 2017

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The Beatitudes are blessings recounted in the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew. They present a set of Christian ideals focused on love, humility and compassion that have greatly diminished in the political and social landscape of 2017. Here, then, is an update provided by the burgeoning ALT-CHRISTIAN movement, which aims to provide a spiritual framework for a younger demographic of ultra-conservative males who embrace white supremacy, display wanton cruelty, champion misogyny and are utterly consumed by paranoia – all despite sitting at home, alone, behind a protective wall of online anonymity.

MATTHEW 5:3 – Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: FUCK THE POOR!)

MATTHEW 5:4 – Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: LIBERAL TEARS ARE MY FAVORITE DRINK!)

MATTHEW 5:5 – Blessed are the meek: for they will inherit the earth. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: GROW A PAIR OF BALLS, YOU PATHETIC CUCK!)

MATTHEW 5:6 – Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be filled. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: GODDAMN SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS!)

MATTHEW 5:7 – Blessed are the merciful: for they will be shown mercy. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: LET’S TROLL STORM THAT FEMINIST BITCH!)

MATTHEW 5:8 – Blessed are the pure in heart: for they will see God. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: GRAB HER BY THE PUSSY!)

MATTHEW 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers: for they will be called children of God. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: WHY DON’T WE JUST USE OUR NUKES?!)

MATTHEW 5:10 – Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: END IMMIGRATION! NOW!)

MATTHEW 5:11-12 – Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (2017 ALT-CHRISTIAN UPDATE: KILL ‘EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT ‘EM OUT!)

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