Speaking to an adoring Little Rock crowd just minutes after news broke of the hotly contested Senate confirmation of Betsy Devos, President Donald discussed in great detail his comprehensive plan for reshaping the American educational system.
DONALD TRUMP: Thank you, thank you…(Applause.) Wow….thank you….it’s great to be here. (Applause.) Melania says she just loved it here during the campaign in….uh….Arkansas. (Applause.) Yes! So much support here. Really amazing. Thank you. (Applause.)
Well, they finally got the Devos broad confirmed, so I’m gonna shake things up a bit today and talk first for a few minutes about our schools. (Applause.) We’ve got to be smarter, people. (Applause.) Nobody, NOBODY is thinking about this stuff the way I am. That’s why it’s a total, TOTAL disaster in this country…it really is. Education’s a disaster. And we’re gonna change it. We’re gonna turn it upside down. (Applause.)
I just saw the other day that students in South Korea are kicking our asses in geography. (Booing.) SOUTH KOREA! (Booing.) It’s a disgrace. A complete disgrace. (Booing.) I mean, can anyone here even locate South Korea on a map? (Silence.) Yeah, me either. Probably next to North Korea, right? (Booing)
Let’s take arithmetic, for instance, which I’m great at. No surprise there. (Applause.) You don’t get your creditors to accept twelve cents on the dollar without being very, very clever with numbers, that’s for goddamn sure. (Applause.)
But, people….PEOPLE….we’ve got the liberal teachers unions saying that our kids today need more training in math. (Booing.) More math? For what? Isn’t that what we have the computers for? They compute things! HELLOOOO! (Applause.)
You’ve even got a calculator on your phone now. Did you know that? Ivanka pointed that out to me the other day. (Applause.) And, look at her standing over there. Can I just say what a total piece of ass she is, guys? (Applause.) And, that’s after poppin’ out three kids. Amazing. My smokin’ hot daughter, Ivanka. Take a bow, dear. (Applause.) There’s your first female president, right there. Hashtag Ivanka2024. (Applause.)
You know what else liberals want? They keep talking about teaching kids computer science, computer science, computer science. When did using a computer become a science? (Applause.) You know, you click the thing….you go to Twitter….I’ve got 16 million more followers than Hillary Clinton on Twitter, by the way. There’s no science to it. (Applause.) Should be up to sixteen-two by now. Eric, go check on that. (Applause.)
Ok, so I’ve covered math and science. We’ll fix it. This is really a very, very good, uh, amazing, uh, thing Betsy and I’ve put together, believe me. Soooo, in grammar school, you teach ’em the ABC’s first. I get that. They need to learn how to read and write. Sure. But do you know how much time they’re spending on all this vocabulary-building bullshit? Like, YEARS! (Booing.)
Honestly…do kids really need to learn a bunch of different words that all mean the same thing? (Applause.) We just need to pick the best word for something and get rid of all those other words that mean the same thing as that best word. (Applause.)
Let me give you an example. My penis is yuge, it’s YUGE, ok? (Applause) I don’t need to say it’s massive or it’s enormous or it’s colossal, you follow? It’s just plain yuge. Now, I could also say it’s beautiful, which of course it is, but that’s in addition to the fact that it’s yuge. And, it is yuge, let me remind you again so we are all clear on that. (Applause.)
You know what else was yuge? The crowd at my inauguration. (Applause.) The fake news networks wanted to use doctored photos, but you good people know the truth, right? (Applause.) Oh, and the standing ovation they gave me at the CIA. That was yuge, too. (Applause.) I talk to people and they said it was one of the longest standing ovations they’d ever seen. One of the greatest speeches they’d ever heard, too, by the way. And, I just have so much respect for the CIA. Total respect. Well, not that one guy who used to run it, he’s shitcanned, but everyone else there, I respect them all. (Applause.) Bigly.
So…..I also wanna teach the kids to do exactly what I do – take ONE word and use it for all sorts of things. Adjectives, nouns, doesn’t matter, you know? Like, instead of ‘disabled’ or ‘homeless’ or ‘terminally ill’ or ‘P.O.W.’ or ‘investigative journalist,’ why not just use LOSER? Isn’t that a better way to do it? (Applause.) You’re damn right, it is! (Applause.)
And, that’s exactly what we need to get rid of in this country. Losers. (Applause.) Nope. No more. Not if we’re gonna start winning again. (Applause.) And, that’s why, yeah, that’s why I’m gonna call this thing, ummm, let’s see…”No Child….uhh….No Child A Total…..Loser.” Yup, that works. Catchy. I like it. (YUGE Standing Ovation.)