(DUBUQUE, IOWA) Speaking to an adoring audience yesterday on a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River, Donald Trump took a break from a string of visceral attacks on Muslims, Mexicans and Ben Carson’s wife to address the issue of his similarities to one of history’s most despised figures, Italian Fascist Dictator Benito Mussolini, aka Il Duce.
I just heard some useless, irrelevant movie director whose name I can’t even remember (Spike Lee) compare me to Mussolini and it’s….it’s just totally absurd. It really is. This guy….’Lil Deuce’ I guess they called him….this guy was like five-seven. I’m 6-foot-3 which I don’t have to tell you good people – that’s tall. Period. And, oh by the way, that length? It extends to every part of my body if you ladies here know what I mean. But, the differences go so far beyond me being eight inches longer, errrr, taller. Mussolini was bald, too. Did you know that? Completely bald. Hell, MY hair’s got its own Twitter account with more followers than John Kasich.
The crowd roared its approval, but Trump clearly had more to say on the subject. He raised his hands to quiet them and continued.
I could go on and on about all the ways I’m not like Mussolini. He was left-handed for one, and don’t get me started on his golf game. Like, a 12-handicap. Pathetic. But, enough about that. I have a great relationship with the Italians. John Gotti was a close personal friend and Miss Italy 2008, well, let’s just say she and I got really well acquainted a few years ago in Atlantic City. That’s where it ends, though. I am one hundred percent American. OK? And anyone who’s not? I say they can just get their asses back to wherever the hell they came from.
With that, fans erupted in chants of “DONALD! DONALD!” and Trump tilted his head back, crossed his arms, pouted his lips and nodded with the supreme confidence of a man utterly devoid of introspection.
As the crowd dispersed a few minutes later, a University of Dubuque coed wearing a Make America Great Again hat was overheard asking her friends if anyone knew who the Italian dude was that Trump was talking about there at the end. Confused, the spirited group looked at each other, shrugged, then went back to their phones. Nobody, clearly, had a clue.