(Rio de Janeiro, Brazil) — Hoping to quell global outrage over AP reports of a rowing venue flooded with untreated sewage, Rio 2016 PR Director Joao Oliveira (pictured) threw small pieces of rancid pork to a swarm of hungry caimans and joked that “the dudes in boats will have it easy.”
“The Brazilian spirit loves risk,” he said, “and we want to put our own cultural stamp on these games. Forget spring boards and platforms and chlorinated pools. The world needs to understand that jumping off a decrepit bridge into a shallow canal full of man-eating reptiles, well, that’s just what we in Rio would call the ‘degree of difficulty.'”
Undeterred by concerned questions about safety of the athletes, Oliveira shifted gears and discussed the Rio committee’s ideas for other traditional events.
“Take the marathon. It’d be easy to map a picturesque 26.2 mile-route along the coastline, right? Instead, we’re gonna strap a live chicken to the back of every runner and send ’em through the poorest slums we got, one of which also, by the way, doubles as the Olympic Village!”
Stunned reporters looked at each other, clearly at a collective loss, so Oliveira pressed on.
“I know you people from America and Europe think we’re all crazy down here, but this is, como se diz, this is how we roll.”
He then motioned for his assistants to empty the contents of an enormous burlap sack, revealing a 21-foot long, 200-pound anaconda, and said, smiling —
“You aren’t gonna believe what we have in store for the Greco-Roman wrestlers next year. Now, LET’S PARTY! Who wants a caipirinha?”