Carrollwood, FL — A tense crowd packed the Hidden Pines Community Center last night to hear the results of an exhaustive investigation into the two month-old Oriental Massage Spa located at 1119 SW Plantation Blvd.
“After receiving numerous complaints from both nearby church officials as well as a whole buncha wives and girlfriends, the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office jumped into action,” Deputy Chuck Williams told the rapt audience.
“Initially, we’d planned round-the-clock surveillance. However, instead of the usual ‘Open 24/7’, their hours are kinda strange – 10 to 6, Tuesday to Saturday, so that had us scratching our heads.“
Audible whispers floated through the auditorium as Deputy Williams then produced several large photos of the spa’s interior.
“As our next action, a surprise health inspection revealed what y’all can see in these pictures – they got these lovely zen-inspired treatment rooms filled with the sounds of a bubbling brook and here’s their exquisite collection of bonsai trees. Oh, and in this one you can see where they come by and serve you water with, I ain’t kiddin’, cucumbers in it.”
Audience members looked around, murmured and shifted noticeably in their seats as the officer proceeded.
“We followed the textbook protocol for this sort of thing and sent in several undercover ‘johns’ to try to procure the standard services offered by massage establishments suspected of engaging in prostitution. And, well, I gotta tell ya….every dang request for a ‘footsie’ yielded a blissful 30-minute reflexology session and four attempts at getting a post-massage ‘happy ending’ resulted in our boys receiving nothing more than a delicious bowl of Mrs. Yamato’s homemade green tea ice cream.“
The crowd grew visibly confused and increasingly restless upon hearing these startling revelations.
Continued Williams, “After three weeks, we thought we’d struck paydirt at soliciting sex when a female employee finally agreed to ‘a date’. But, well…..ahhh, hell….that just ended up with one of our rookies having to take the owner’s 58 year-old sister out to a quiet dinner at Senor Tequila’s Mexican Grill….you know, that one by the Publix at Oakton Road and University.”
As bewildered residents quickly filed out of the now nearly empty meeting hall, the floor was then opened up for Q&A, but the only question asked was whether or not sheriff’s department officials knew if Oriental Massage Spa would be doing a Groupon promotion anytime soon.