Itaewon-dong, South Korea — Now entering its second decade, the American military’s highly-secretive drone surveillance program has begun showing significant signs of battle fatigue. Officials at Nevada’s Creech AFB mention long hours and extreme stress levels as the primary causes of operators exiting both the program and, for many, the Air Force itself.
“Not to worry,” said cigar-chomping Colonel Jack Hornung while surveying a bustling gaming parlor in suburban Seoul. “We’ve found a team of young go-getters here who are gonna help us kick Al-Qaeda’s ass for not much more per day than a case of energy drinks and a few bowls of ramen noodles.”
“Our guys back home, they’ve got wives and families and, God bless ’em, consciences. But these kids? Hell, compared to, what’s it called, Grand Theft Auto Five? Compared to that, leveling a Yemeni village from 3,000 feet up is usually the least violent image they’ll see all day.”
Speaking through a translator, newly commissioned Air Force Captain Sung-Ye Park, 12, who will be heading the elite unit had this to say: “I eagerly look forward to helping Colonel Jack wipe out the global threat of Islamic extremism….or is it anti-Islamic extremism? Something like that. Whatever. Can I have another cup of coffee?“