Uber Announces Plan To Have Driver For Every Man, Woman and Child In US By Mid-2018

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SAN FRANCISCO — Citing a perfect storm of tepid domestic job growth, a strengthening dollar, easing gas prices and an increasingly-obese US population that would rather text than drive, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said Thursday he projects that his company will employ as drivers roughly half of all Americans in just over three years.

While the simple laws of supply and demand would seem to make such a goal impossible, an undaunted Kalanick is doubling-down. To achieve their objective, Uber has quietly retained every single powerhouse Washington, DC lobbying firm in hopes of getting both the national driving and legal-drinking ages lowered from 16 and 21, respectively, to nine years-old. In addition, they’ve raised $218 billion to take highly-leveraged majority equity stakes in Miller/Coors, Frito-Lay, Little Caesar’s and MAACO Auto Body Repair Centers.

Added Chief Technology Officer Thuan Pham, “The rest of the world views Americans as fat, drunk and lazy but we at Uber believe that’s only half-right. The other half, we want working for us!

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