Local Residents Shocked To Learn Newly Opened ‘Oriental Massage Spa’ Not Front For Prostitution

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Carrollwood, FL — A tense crowd packed the Hidden Pines Community Center last night to hear the results of an exhaustive investigation into the two month-old Oriental Massage Spa located at 1119 SW Plantation Blvd.

After receiving numerous complaints from both nearby church officials as well as a whole buncha wives and girlfriends, the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office jumped into action,” Deputy Chuck Williams told the rapt audience.

Initially, we’d planned round-the-clock surveillance. However, instead of the usual ‘Open 24/7’, their hours are kinda strange – 10 to 6, Tuesday to Saturday, so that had us scratching our heads.

Audible whispers floated through the auditorium as Deputy Williams then produced several large photos of the spa’s interior.

As our next action, a surprise health inspection revealed what y’all can see in these pictures – they got these lovely zen-inspired treatment rooms filled with the sounds of a bubbling brook and here’s their exquisite collection of bonsai trees. Oh, and in this one you can see where they come by and serve you water with, I ain’t kiddin’, cucumbers in it.”

Audience members looked around, murmured and shifted noticeably in their seats as the officer proceeded.

“We followed the textbook protocol for this sort of thing and sent in several undercover ‘johns’ to try to procure the standard services offered by massage establishments suspected of engaging in prostitution. And, well, I gotta tell ya….every dang request for a ‘footsie’ yielded a blissful 30-minute reflexology session and four attempts at getting a post-massage ‘happy ending’ resulted in our boys receiving nothing more than a delicious bowl of Mrs. Yamato’s homemade green tea ice cream.

The crowd grew visibly confused and increasingly restless upon hearing these startling revelations.

Continued Williams, “After three weeks, we thought we’d struck paydirt at soliciting sex when a female employee finally agreed to ‘a date’. But, well…..ahhh, hell….that just ended up with one of our rookies having to take the owner’s 58 year-old sister out to a quiet dinner at Senor Tequila’s Mexican Grill….you know, that one by the Publix at Oakton Road and University.”

As bewildered residents quickly filed out of the now nearly empty meeting hall, the floor was then opened up for Q&A, but the only question asked was whether or not sheriff’s department officials knew if Oriental Massage Spa would be doing a Groupon promotion anytime soon.

In Eye-Opening Caitlyn Jenner Opinion Poll, Most Frequent Male Responses Vary By City

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  • Philadelphia: I’d do her.
  • Detroit: I’d hit ‘dat.
  • Cleveland: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ crackers.
  • Boston: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ oyster crackers.
  • New Orleans: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ candied pecans.
  • Dallas: Ok….strictly off the record? Yeah, bud. Hell yeah!
  • Chelsea/West Village: Her hair really needs work.
  • Rest of New York: Get out of my face.
  • Chicago: LET’S GO HAWKS!
  • Washington, DC: No comment.
  • Los Angeles: Why, do you know someone at the E! Channel?
  • San Francisco: Can I show you my opinion poll analytics app?
  • Portland: What was the question again?
  • Seattle: Forget what you’ve heard about opinion poll analytics apps in the Bay Area.
  • Montreal: Je ne voudrais pas son coup de pied hors du lit pour manger de la poutine.

Republican Candidates Informed Ted Nugent’s “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” Only Song They’re To Play At Campaign Rallies

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Washington, DC — Ever since President Ronald Reagan misinterpreted as patriotic the lyrics of Bruce Springsteen’s antiwar anthem “Born In The USA”, Republican politicians have been getting themselves in trouble with left-leaning rock stars. In the most recent dustup, Donald Trump’s unauthorized use of R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” has arisen the ire of band members, who called Trump an “orange clown” and told him to “go fuck himself”.

In an effort to eliminate any further controversies, The Republican National Committee has issued a memorandum to all candidates that, from this point forward, only one song will be OK for public use. The 1974 tune, “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” the memo reads, by “ultra-conservative musician Ted Nugent, is an unambiguous celebration of a union between one man and one woman (or, specifically, a “teenage queen” named Nadine), perfect to counter the rising tide of liberals’ support for gay marriage.”

The letter goes on to suggest that the lyrics, “She’s so sweet when she yanks on my meat,” should resonate with voters in key beef and pork-producing swing states like Iowa, Colorado and North Carolina.

When asked for her thoughts on the RNC directive, Stanford and MIT graduate, former Hewlett Packard CEO and the lone female Republican in the race thus far, Carly Fiorina, grimaced, shook her head and declined comment.

Uber Announces Plan To Have Driver For Every Man, Woman and Child In US By Mid-2018

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SAN FRANCISCO — Citing a perfect storm of tepid domestic job growth, a strengthening dollar, easing gas prices and an increasingly-obese US population that would rather text than drive, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said Thursday he projects that his company will employ as drivers roughly half of all Americans in just over three years.

While the simple laws of supply and demand would seem to make such a goal impossible, an undaunted Kalanick is doubling-down. To achieve their objective, Uber has quietly retained every single powerhouse Washington, DC lobbying firm in hopes of getting both the national driving and legal-drinking ages lowered from 16 and 21, respectively, to nine years-old. In addition, they’ve raised $218 billion to take highly-leveraged majority equity stakes in Miller/Coors, Frito-Lay, Little Caesar’s and MAACO Auto Body Repair Centers.

Added Chief Technology Officer Thuan Pham, “The rest of the world views Americans as fat, drunk and lazy but we at Uber believe that’s only half-right. The other half, we want working for us!