- Philadelphia: I’d do her.
- Detroit: I’d hit ‘dat.
- Cleveland: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ crackers.
- Boston: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ oyster crackers.
- New Orleans: I wouldn’t kick her outta bed for eatin’ candied pecans.
- Dallas: Ok….strictly off the record? Yeah, bud. Hell yeah!
- Chelsea/West Village: Her hair really needs work.
- Rest of New York: Get out of my face.
- Chicago: LET’S GO HAWKS!
- Washington, DC: No comment.
- Los Angeles: Why, do you know someone at the E! Channel?
- San Francisco: Can I show you my opinion poll analytics app?
- Portland: What was the question again?
- Seattle: Forget what you’ve heard about opinion poll analytics apps in the Bay Area.
- Montreal: Je ne voudrais pas son coup de pied hors du lit pour manger de la poutine.
Washington, DC — Ever since President Ronald Reagan misinterpreted as patriotic the lyrics of Bruce Springsteen’s antiwar anthem “Born In The USA”, Republican politicians have been getting themselves in trouble with left-leaning rock stars. In the most recent dustup, Donald Trump’s unauthorized use of R.E.M.’s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” has arisen the ire of band members, who called Trump an “orange clown” and told him to “go fuck himself”.
In an effort to eliminate any further controversies, The Republican National Committee has issued a memorandum to all candidates that, from this point forward, only one song will be OK for public use. The 1974 tune, “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” the memo reads, by “ultra-conservative musician Ted Nugent, is an unambiguous celebration of a union between one man and one woman (or, specifically, a “teenage queen” named Nadine), perfect to counter the rising tide of liberals’ support for gay marriage.”
The letter goes on to suggest that the lyrics, “She’s so sweet when she yanks on my meat,” should resonate with voters in key beef and pork-producing swing states like Iowa, Colorado and North Carolina.
When asked for her thoughts on the RNC directive, Stanford and MIT graduate, former Hewlett Packard CEO and the lone female Republican in the race thus far, Carly Fiorina, grimaced, shook her head and declined comment.
SAN FRANCISCO — Citing a perfect storm of tepid domestic job growth, a strengthening dollar, easing gas prices and an increasingly-obese US population that would rather text than drive, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said Thursday he projects that his company will employ as drivers roughly half of all Americans in just over three years.
While the simple laws of supply and demand would seem to make such a goal impossible, an undaunted Kalanick is doubling-down. To achieve their objective, Uber has quietly retained every single powerhouse Washington, DC lobbying firm in hopes of getting both the national driving and legal-drinking ages lowered from 16 and 21, respectively, to nine years-old. In addition, they’ve raised $218 billion to take highly-leveraged majority equity stakes in Miller/Coors, Frito-Lay, Little Caesar’s and MAACO Auto Body Repair Centers.
Added Chief Technology Officer Thuan Pham, “The rest of the world views Americans as fat, drunk and lazy but we at Uber believe that’s only half-right. The other half, we want working for us!“