White House Physicians Relieved To Learn Source Of Steve Bannon’s Chronic Back Pain

(Washington, DC) ¬†After several frustrating months of examinations, scans and ultrasounds, White House physicians have finally learned the source of Trump Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s chronic, unyielding back pain.

Speaking to The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza Wednesday night, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci informed him that he, unlike Mr. Bannon, is “not trying to suck my own cock.” The revelation stunned doctors at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who, despite having compiled an exhaustive history of their patient, had been totally unaware of this specific leisure activity.

In response, the White House medical team is now reportedly recommending to all male staffers a strict regimen of good old-fashioned masturbation followed by a hot bath and then maybe some light stretching.